For a long time I didn’t realize how in tune with myself I actually am. Only as of recently did it become apparent to me. I’ve been this way for a while, and once I started backtracking on how I became this way, it really helped me fully understand the bigger picture of myself. Now that I’m beginning to make sense of all of this, let me be the first to tell you, realizing who you are, knowing what makes you tick, what kinds of things drive you and why, and being aware and in control of your emotions, can really make a positive impact on your life.
The bottom line is, if you want to be treated well by people, or any particular way for that matter, you have to know yourself well enough to instruct other people on how to treat you. Since everyone in the world thinks differently, you can never truly expect someone to be intuitive enough to pick up on your wants and needs without you expressing them, and expressing them correctly. As well as you think you know some of your friends or significant others, there will at some point come a time when you misunderstand, or disagree with one another. Of course this is true for any relationship but taking this first step, figuring out who you are, will eliminate most major fights in any relationship.
Understand though that this concept is multi-facetted, meaning, there’s more you have to do in addition to just knowing yourself. For instance, you can be very in tune with yourself without being able to express it right. The key to this is learning how each person, close to you or not, thinks. You can tell one person how you feel and they may understand, but it doesn’t mean that if you say the same thing to someone else that they will also understand. I got very good at practicing all of this by dating a whole slew of people I was extremely incompatible with. It’s my nature to try to make each relationship count, mainly because in my opinion, if you don’t go into each relationship whole heartedly, fresh and open minded, ready to take the good with the bad (truly) you won’t grow from it and in a sense you’ve wasted your time. Logically it doesn’t make sense to not try to learn from your mistakes, why should relationships with people be on a different system?
Next time you’re upset, try to recognize it while it’s happening and ask yourself why you think you’ve allowed that situation to upset you. It can be hard work diving deep down into your mind and analyzing your emotions so if this isn’t something you already make a habit of it won’t happen over night. You’ll be surprised at what kinds of underlying problems you’ll uncover about your issues. Are you upset about a friend who doesn’t trust you? Maybe there’s a legitimate reason whether it be something you’ve done or something that has triggered this person to react as they have in the past when they felt a similar feeling. Significant feelings and emotions are linked with your memories. If you find yourself replaying an old memory in a new situation, it’s probably because something reminded you of that situation. And if you’re upset at the time, the memory is most likely a bad one. In recognizing this, you have identified at least this much about your mood and now it is a personal puzzle from this point on. Not a puzzle in the sense that it is undefined or that it’s difficult necessarily, but a puzzle in the sense that you have to be the one to piece these thoughts and conclusions together. No one else can read your mind and therefore, it’s up to you to eliminate your own problems by understanding what makes them problems.
If you can do this or even understand what I mean, you’re off to a good start. From here, the next step would be learning to play devils advocate. You know your side of the story and you know what makes sense to you, but that’s only half of the game. Being an effective communicator includes being able to see all sides of an issue, including the opposing side. This is where being open minded comes into play. There’s a difference between seeing someones point of view, and agreeing with it. What’s not always easy is getting the other person to communicate as effectively as you can. This is why understanding THEM benefits you. It’s hard to think, “If I can do it why can’t they” But the truth of the matter is that when you practice these concepts you can learn very positive things and very negative things about yourself. People have difficulty seeing negative things about themselves surface. But that’s the beauty of it all, If you catch on to these tendencies before it’s brought to your attention by someone else, those tendencies can be fixed on a personal level which is where the root of your discomfort comes to begin with. If you’re lucky enough to have a friend who is able to point out your inability to understand them or tell you that you’re not seeing it the way they intended and why, use that to your advantage. Instead of getting mad, be appreciative that they’ve done some of your work for you. And if you think they’re wrong, hopefully you know enough about what’s going on with your thoughts that you can correct the miscommunication.
Don’t be judgmental about other peoples feelings. The best thing my mom ever told me was the phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This is so powerful because ultimately you can’t directly control how people feel or why they feel that way, if anything, it is the other person allowing you to influence their emotions. This phrase gives you the upper hand, especially in a cut throat fight. You’ve tried all your tactics and the other person just isn’t receptive to any of it, this is when you say it. You’re being the bigger person by not showing disrespect and not discrediting the way they feel, you are instead recognizing that the argument won’t result in anything positive so you retreat and leave the ball in their court. People tend to get most upset when they are misunderstood or feel that emotions are being attacked. So by doing this you politely and whole heartedly let the person know that you are not saying the way they feel is wrong you’re simply stating that it is unfortunate that you can’t agree but with that being said, you become less argumentitive.
This is why being able to notice and control your emotions comes in handy. Like I said, people can influence your mood but depending on how you choose to handle your emotions before, during and after an argument makes all the difference in being composed and clear headed. A less emotional mind tends to think more clearly, keep that in mind next time you get fired up.
I’m writing this because I feel that my life has changed significantly by using these tools. And I notice people around me everyday that experience so much stress because of lack of good communication. Wether it be marriage, dating, friendships, family, work etc, it is a huge problem and I believe if more people took the time to study themselves, they would find more inner and outer peace.
I dated someone very incompatible a few years ago, and because I was so determined to make it work, just because I give my relationships my all, I learned really quickly that most of the problems were being caused by my partner. I only say that because it was a very one sided relationship where the only sacrifice and understanding was coming from me. That gets very old very fast and can burn people out. I was literally mentally exhausting myself in every way, the truth we all know is that the fate of any relationship lies in the hands of the person that cares less.
If your relationship feels like work, it isn’t right. After spending so much time analyzing the shit out of all of these past ex’s and what the underlying issues were behind our problems, I went from being with someone that made me miserable to being with someone I feel I could potentially marry. We don’t fight, and when I say we don’t fight I actually mean we never fight. Sure there’s a small argument or clashing of wants from time to time but because we are both so accommodating and caring towards one another, conflicts are easily dissolved before they become fights. I have no expectations that this relationship will actually result in marriage or not, because having expectations about something in the future only sets you up for possible let down. Go with the flow and handle your problems fully and completely one at a time and always try to take something positive away from it.
A good friend of mine and motivational speaker Halcyon (you can watch him on youtube) said an excellent quote that helps keep me positive throughout the day, “In any given situation you have your foot in dog shit and you’re holding an ice cream cone in your hand, it’s up to you to choose which one you’re going to focus on. If you’re looking for happiness you’re going to find happiness, if you’re looking for problems, you’ll certainly find those too.Try to look at problems with people in the same light, that is how you come out on top, by finding the good in the situation. I truly believe in positive and negative energy and by practice I have found that when I keep a positive mood throughout the day regardless of my encounters, I experience more and more happiness that seems perpetual in the days following. Good luck seems prevalent and the problems that are still around become less noticeable. On the opposite end, when you’re upset its so easy to continue to focus on the bad, which I believe really feeds that negative energy. If you think you can do something you probably can, and if you don’t, you’re probably right.
Don’t blame others for your shortcomings. We know that we are in ultimate control of our lives and this includes your thoughts. Self motivation to change or just motivation in general is so important to have when shaping yourself into the person you strive to be. If you’re unhappy with the way your life is than change it. It’s no one else’s responsibility to make you happy, just yours. When you start making it other peoples responsibility you will find yourself in a mess. At the end of the day you only have yourself to deal with inside, and if your life comes to a point where you don’t have anyone around you to make you feel happy, depression is right around the bend. I ran into that several times, and began to notice that when I was single I was so much happier and so much more productive in my life, because I was being self reliant. There’s a sense of emotional security when you know you can be happy alone. Which is why I believe that before dating anyone you should be at this point mentally.
Your mind is a very complex place but try putting these methods in place and see what kinds of results you get, I’m only stating what I know worked for me which understandably cannot help everyone who isn’t open to trying them. Its like meditation, it works for those that want it to work.
I’m finished for now, I just had to get that out. If you’re going to write anything rude, don’t. I’m only posting this to get my thoughts out and maybe leave you with some food for thought.
Thanks for reading!